Ron, What ARE You Doing?
by SilverWolf7007
Summary: Ron's doing something. But no one really knows what. Apparantly it has something to do with Peter Pettigrew. This fic involves Screaming Snape, Hysterically Crying Harry and Draco, an Andalite Narrator, general insanity, Remus and Sirius in Hawaii........
1. Run Away, Ron's Lost the Plot!

ARBRON: Hello, I'm Arbron, your friendly neighbourhood Andalite/Narrator. SW has decided to write a Harry Potter script, somewhat reminiscent of her Animorph ones. And since I'm doing such a good job narrating those fics, I've been employed over here.  
  
SW: I was bored, okay?? I had an hour in the computer lab at school and NOTHING to do! I just finished this chapter.  
  
  
  
  
  
Ron, What ARE You Doing???  
  
  
  
ARBRON: Harry, Hermione, Fred, George, Ginny and Lavender were sitting around in the Gryffindor Common Room. They were trying to work out what Ron was doing.  
  
HARRY: Er, Ron? What are you doing?  
  
RON: Nothing much, Harry. Wheeeeeeee!!!  
  
HERMIONE: (Raises eyebrow) What IS he doing?  
  
FRED: I sure as hell don't know!  
  
GEORGE: Me either.  
  
GINNY: I always knew that Ron was a nutcase.  
  
HERMIONE & HARRY: (nods) Me too!  
  
DRACO (Walks into the room) Ah hah! I knew you'd realize that I was right someday!  
  
HARRY: Well, it was kinda hard to miss.  
  
DRACO: I can see that.  
  
LAVENDER: I'm not surprised. (Rolls eyes)  
  
DRACO: I think I'm going to be sick.  
  
HARRY: Me too.  
  
HERMIONE: Harry, you just agreed with Malfoy....  
  
HARRY & DRACO: So what???  
  
SEAMUS: (wanders down from the dorm room) What exactly is Ron doing that has you all so upset anyway?  
  
DEAN: (Enters behind Seamus) Yeah? I didn't know Ron had it in him to do...whatever it is that he's doing.  
  
RON: Lalalalalalalalala!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
LAVENDER: (Blinks rapidly) What the hell is going on here???  
  
SNAPE: (Enters the Common Room sneering nastily) That's a very good question Miss Brown. Ten points from Gryffindor.  
  
LAVENDER: What for???  
  
SNAPE: Using your brain.  
  
HARRY: Professor Snape, what are you doing in the Gryffindor Common Room?  
  
SNAPE: (Looks around in shock) I am??? (Screams) Nooooooo!!!!!!!! (Runs out still screaming.)  
  
DRACO: I think he was looking for me. (Shrugs) Well I don't care; your Common Room is a lot nicer than ours. I'd much rather stay here.  
  
HERMIONE: What??? NO!!! Not happening, no way, not at all!  
  
HARRY: Ignore her, I don't care.  
  
DRACO: Thank you Potter.  
  
HARRY: No problem Malfoy.  
  
DRACO: So, what are we going to do about Weasley?  
  
GEORGE: Are you offering to help?  
  
DRACO: Well, the way I see it, he's going to be a hazard to all of Hogwarts soon. All I want to do is stay alive - and sane.  
  
FRED: Fair enough. Do you think we'll be able to get help from outside the school?  
  
DRACO: Well.....somehow I don't think Voldemort is planning on SAVING the school, if you know what I mean.  
  
HARRY: I think I know of someone we can count on.  
  
ARBRON: Harry sent an owl to those people, and after a few minutes of everyone watching Ron in shock and horror, they arrived.  
  
SIRIUS: (Practically bounds into the room) Hello boys and girls - (Skids to a halt) what the hell???  
  
REMUS: (Runs into Sirius) Ow! What did you stop for you moron?!?!?!?!? (Sees Ron) Oh no....we're doomed! Again!  
  
SIRIUS: I'd have bet that it would've been Harry! I mean, after....  
  
REMUS: No, I think it was Wormtail's influence.  
  
SIRIUS: (Nods) And Ron did keep Wormy as a pet...  
  
HERMIONE: So? What's going on?  
  
HARRY: What is Ron doing?  
  
DRACO: And why is he doing it?  
  
SIRIUS: (Glances at Remus) It's kind of hard to explain.  
  
REMUS: (Rolls eyes) Only to those with no brain.  
  
DRACO: (Sarcastically) Then I'm sure you'll be able to help then.  
  
HARRY: Malfoy! What did I tell you???  
  
DRACO: Oops, I forgot.  
  
REMUS: Well I hope that you've remembered.  
  
DRACO: Uh huh. Sorry Remus, I didn't mean it.  
  
FRED & GEORGE: Uh.....  
  
GINNY & LAVENDER: Er.....  
  
SEAMUS: (Holds hand out to Dean) Pay up.  
  
DEAN: (sighs, but then gives Seamus five Galleons) I knew that was a bad idea....  
  
NEVILLE: (Enters through the portrait) Knew what was a bad idea?"  
  
DEAN: Betting against Seamus.  
  
DRACO: I thought you were the sensible Gryffindor, Thomas?  
  
DEAN: So did I.  
  
DRACO: Then why did you bet against Finnigan? Even I know not to do THAT!  
  
NEVILLE: (Notices Draco) MALFOY????? What the...(faints)  
  
DRACO: I didn't know I was that scary....  
  
HARRY: You aren't, Neville's scared of Ginny sometimes.  
  
DRACO: (Glances between Ginny and Ron) It's probably because of her siblings.  
  
FRED & GEORGE: Hey!!! I don't like your tone!  
  
DRACO: Sorry. I only meant him. (Points to Ron)  
  
HARRY: Remus? Are you going to tell us what's wrong with Ron?  
  
REMUS: Eventually. (Glances at watch) Oh no! Sirius! We've got to go!  
  
SIRIUS: Oh?  
  
REMUS: We're wanted in another fic!  
  
SIRIUS: Oh! See you guys later! (Leaves)  
  
REMUS: Yeah, bye! (Follows Sirius)  
  
HARRY: But...YOU DIDN'T TELL US WHAT RON'S DOING!!!  
  
DRACO: We're doomed to a life of Weasley doing...that!  
  
HARRY: (Sniff) I guess so...(sniff sniff sniff)  
  
SEAMUS: Aw, don't cry Harry! We'll fix it! (Turns to Ron) Tell me what you're doing!!!  
  
RON: Hey! Did you guys see that Kangaroo? (Wanders over and tries to kiss Draco)  
  
DRACO: Arrhhhhh!!! (Ducks behind Harry) Don't let him hurt me...  
  
HARRY: Sure thing.  
  
RON: A butterfly! (Chases a dust bunny and trips over a couch)  
  
DRACO: (Sniff) We ARE doomed!  
  
HARRY: (Sob) Yes, we ARE!!!  
  
ARBRON: To the amazement and horror of the Gryffindors, except for Ron of course, Harry and Draco both begin to sob hysterically.  
  
HERMIONE: I think we should go to Dumbledore!  
  
ARBRON: She led Lavender, Fred and Ginny out the door and towards Dumbledore's office. Dean, Seamus, George and a recently revived Neville tried to comfort Draco and Harry. Ron started dancing on a table.  
  
  
  
ARBRON: And now aren't we all curious? Don't you want to know what Ron's doing? I sure do!  
  
MONTY: Me too!  
  
ARBRON: What are you doing here???  
  
MONTY: Well I'm SW's muse aren't I? I'm supposed to be here just as much as you are!!!  
  
ARBRON: I'll never get away from her.....stupid snake!  
  
MONTY: I am not stupid!  
  
ARBRON: Stupid coloured snake, too.  
  
MONTY: Green and Silver rule!!!  
  
ARBRON: Stupid Slytherin supporter.  
  
MONTY: Er, Arbron? So are you.  
  
ARBRON: Oh yeah! Slytherin rocks!!!  
  
MONTY: Don't forget to review! And make a few suggestions if you like, such as who do you want to appear?  
  
ARBRON: PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
MONTY: Please?  
  
SW: Pretty please with Draco on top? 


	2. How Many Reasons There Are For The World...

ARBRON: That's right, we're back.  
  
MONTY: And still in favour of the Slytherins!  
  
ARBRON: Monty begged and begged, so SW has let her thank the reviewers.  
  
MONTY: Whooo hoooo!!!!!! 10 reviews! Thanks! Now, you'll all see what Ron's doing sooner or later -  
  
ARBRON: Probably later.  
  
MONTY: Grrrr. And you'll see why! 200 points to whichever house you like best for reviewing! Thanks!  
  
SW: Let us carry on.  
  
  
  
ARBRON: Hermione ran to Dumbledore's office as fast as she could, Lavender, Ginny and Fred right behind her. They told the gargoyle the password, which was candy cane, and went into the office to find that there were several people in there already.  
  
MCGONAGALL: What are you four doing here?  
  
SNAPE: Nooo! Gryffindors! (Faints)  
  
HAGRID: (Snorts) Well, if he's scared of a couple of puny students....  
  
FRED: Puny? Ex-ca-use me???  
  
LAVENDER: It's enough to insult me.  
  
SNAPE: (Wakes up, sees Fred and Ginny) Nooo! Weasleys! (Faints again)  
  
MCGONAGALL: Oh, that's just bloody brilliant! We had almost gotten him to calm down, and then you came in!  
  
HERMIONE: I'm sorry Professor, but we've got a bit of a problem down in the Common Room.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Oh? What's the problem? And would you like a lemon drop?  
  
FRED & GINNY: Er, no thanks.  
  
LAVENDER: Oh, thank you sir. (Takes a few)  
  
HERMIONE: I'm allergic.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Oh, too bad Miss Granger.  
  
GINNY: Um, you see, there's something wrong with Ron.  
  
MCGONAGALL: Oh? What?  
  
FRED: He's....gone weird.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: That's informative.  
  
HERMIONE: It's the sort of thing that you have to see for yourself.  
  
DUMBLEDORE: Is there anything else wrong in the Gryffindor Common Room?  
  
HERMIONE: Well, there is Harry and Malfoy.  
  
MCGONAGALL: What is Draco Malfoy doing in the Gryffindor Common Room???  
  
FRED: Helping. That's what he said.  
  
MCGONAGALL: I see.  
  
HAGRID: What are they doing that's got you so worried?  
  
HERMIONE: When we left they were...well, they were crying hysterically. They seem to think that the world is going to end.  
  
GINNY: And even more worrying is that they're agreeing with each other!  
  
FRED: And acting nice to each other!  
  
HERMIONE: It's beginning to be as weird as Ron!  
  
FRED: Well, not quite.  
  
GINNY: But it's getting close.  
  
DUMBELDORE: I suggest that you owl Sirius and Remus for help.  
  
HERMIONE: We did! They came, were not helpful, and left for another fic!  
  
FRED: That's what they said, but personally I think they were just too scared of Ron to hang around.  
  
HERMIONE: I think I would be too.  
  
GINNY: But Hermione, we were just in the Common Room with Ron!  
  
HERMIONE: Why do you think I came up here? To get away, that's why!  
  
GINNY: Ron was beginning to scare the pants off me!  
  
FRED: Ohgodpleaseno!!!  
  
GINNY: What was that?  
  
FRED: Oh god please no!  
  
GINNY: Oh god please no what?  
  
FRED: Oh god please no don't let Ron scare the pants off you!  
  
GINNY: Oh shut up, Fred.  
  
MCGONAGALL: Ahem. What are you going to do?  
  
HERMIONE: I don't know. I think we need to find out what's wrong with Ron first off, then deal with Harry and Malfoy. It's not the same thing that's wrong with them.  
  
FRED: We need to get Sirius and Remus here again.  
  
GINNY: Yeah. Because I don't think that Snape's going to be any help.  
  
SNAPE: (Wakes up AGAIN) I think I know what's wrong with Weasley. And Lupin and Black are the only people who can tell you.  
  
HERMIONE: Why cant you?  
  
SNAPE: Because I'm only here to faint and provide comic relief for the readers.  
  
HERMIONE: But you just helped.  
  
SNAPE: And now I'm going to faint. (Proceeds to do so)  
  
FRED: Gee, he was SO helpful. (Something begins to drip off his fingers)  
  
GINNY: What's that?  
  
FRED: Sarcasm.  
  
GINNY: Riiight.  
  
ARBRON: Back in the Common Room, Harry and Draco were listing all the different reasons that the world was going to end in the next few hours. They'd gotten about one hundred so far. George was kicking Seamus's butt at chess. Neville was cowering behind a couch, where he'd been since Draco had mentioned Reason Number Three: Our Headmaster is crazy. Seamus was listening to Harry and Draco in fascination and awe. Ron was swinging, which is odd as there was nothing for him to swing on.  
  
However, in some dark, secret place where no one ever dared to go, something even more horrible was happening....  
  
VOLDEMORT: Ha! Suck that Lucius! I win again!  
  
LUCIUS: You cheated, My Lord.  
  
VOLDEMORT: I did not!  
  
LUCIUS: Did too!  
  
VOLDEMORT: Did not! LUCIUS: Did too!  
  
VOLDEMORT: Did not!  
  
LUCIUS: Did too!  
  
VOLDEMORT: Did not!  
  
LUCIUS: Did too!  
  
VOLDEMORT: Did not!  
  
LUCIUS: Did too!  
  
VOLDEMORT: Did -  
  
WORMTAIL: Oh for Pete's Sake! Quit arguing!  
  
VOLDEMORT: I will not stop arguing for your sake!  
  
LUCIUS: Wormtail, you're talking about yourself again.  
  
WORMTAIL: (Sniggers) Yeah, but you're insane.  
  
LUCIUS: Am not!  
  
WORMTAIL: Are too!  
  
VOLDEMORT: Wormtail! Only I am allowed to argue with Lucius!  
  
WORMTAIL: Oops.  
  
LUCIUS: Oops indeed. My Lord, may I punish him?  
  
VOLDEMORT: Of course, Lucius. You ARE my favourite Death Eater after all.  
  
LUCIUS: (Blushes) Why thank you. (Turns to Wormtail) You know what this means....  
  
WORMTAIL: Oh no, not that, please!!!  
  
LUCIUS: Yes....The Tickling Charm!!!!!!!!!!! (Evil Laugh)  
  
  
  
  
  
SW: (Smirks) Oh, isn't Lucius so evil? Gotta love the evilness! There IS a reason for Lavender not saying hardly anything in Dumbledore's office. I'm just not going to tell you yet, just like I'm not going to tell you what Ron's doing!  
  
MONTY: Now SHE'S evil!!!!!!  
  
SW: And proud of it!  
  
ARBRON: SW says that reviewers get chocolate. 


	3. Pink Bunny Slippers, The OTHER Weasley F...

Even though I had to put up with my brother during the whole time I was writing this chapter, I still did it! And now here it is!  
  
I am now going to list the names of everyone who has reviewed this story thus far, as I didn't do it last chapter:  
  
Chapter One ~ Fancy, AdHarmony, TercanoNuruva, jinglefairy, Emily Strange, Di-chan, Inukai, DClick, (An anonymous reviewer), and riyna*riddle  
  
Chapter Two ~ LoveHayden, Fancy, Dreamy, Sakura Blossom, Emily Strange, Kit Petitedra, DClick, Son Taishin, Kathleen, Wolfy Lupin, and TercanoNuruva  
  
Thanks so much you guys! It really makes me happy when I get reviews. My best friend thinks I'm weird when I get excited by new messages in my inbox, but I don't care. Much.  
  
YAYAYAYAYYAYAY!!!!!!!!!! NO MORE SCHOOL FOR EIGHT WEEKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
  
  
  
  
Ron, What ARE You Doing???  
  
By Silver Wolf  
  
  
  
  
  
ARBRON: Hermione, Fred, and Ginny walked into the Gryffindor Common Room with Lavender trailing behind them with a dazed look on her face. A very strange sight met their eyes.  
  
HERMIONE: What the heck is going on in here???  
  
DRACO: Er, you see, um....it's Harry's fault!  
  
HARRY: No it's not! It was George in the Common Room with a crowbar!  
  
GEORGE: But I couldn't have done it, I was trying to save Neville from the big scary pink bunny slippers from the first year girls dorms! Which means that Neville couldn't have done it either!  
  
DEAN: It was Seamus! None of the rest of us could have done it! We were too busy!  
  
SEAMUS: Okay, I admit it! It was me! I was the one who turned Ron into an Ill-Tempered Mutated Sea Bass!!!  
  
HERMIONE: (Blinks rapidly) Seamus, you've been watching those Austin Powers movies far too much. Besides, he looks more like a red headed Christmas Tree.  
  
RON: I feel pretty.....  
  
HARRY: (To Draco) Is it just me, or does he resemble a used toilet brush?  
  
DRACO: (Frowns in consideration) I thought we just had this conversation.  
  
HARRY: Yes, but the others weren't here to hear it. We wouldn't want them to feel left out or something now, would we?  
  
DRACO: I suppose not. And yes, he does look a bit like a used toilet brush....a VERY used one!  
  
HERMIONE: Right! I don't care what Ron is at the moment, or who did it! All I want to know is how we can contact Sirius and Remus again!  
  
GEORGE: Yes, good idea! Plus, I think Harry and Malfoy have had a few too many candy canes.  
  
GINNY: But George, it's still September!  
  
NEVILLE: That's the problem; the candy canes were from last year and out of date. That makes them more potent.  
  
DEAN: Since when do you pay attention in Muggle Sweets Class???  
  
NEVILLE: Since my Gran started to hang out with a Muggle who was obsessed with Minties.  
  
DEAN: (Gets dreamy look on his face) Mmmmmmmmm, Minties....  
  
HARRY & DRACO: MINTIES RULE!!!  
  
DEAN: Yeah!  
  
RON: Did you see the leprechaun? They're eviiil. EVIIIIIILL LEPRECHAUNS!!!!!!  
  
FRED & GEORGE: (Sarcastically) Gee, beware the evil leprechauns.  
  
ARBRON: Fred and George are suddenly covered in a certain silvery liquid.  
  
GINNY: I just LOVE it when you two start leaking sarcasm! (Starts leaking herself)  
  
PERCY: (Appears in the room and sniggers - very un-Percy-like) It's a family trait, Gin, like the red hair and freckles.  
  
GINNY: Oh shit! (Stops any and all sarcastic tendencies from entering her brain)  
  
HERMIONE: WE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING SOMETHING!!!  
  
SEAMUS: (winces and rubs ears) Merlin Hermione, did you have to scream???  
  
HERMIONE: YES AND I DON'T INTEND TO STOP!!!  
  
SEAMUS: Oh, great! (Rolls eyes, the sarcasm thing happens)  
  
DRACO: Are you sure you aren't a Weasley?  
  
SEAMUS: Positive.  
  
LAVENDER: (Shrieks) Look! Did you see that!  
  
EVERYONE EXCEPT RON AND LAVENDER: What??? (Hermione: WHAT???)  
  
LAVENDER: (Runs over to Ron, points at Ginny) The green pideons!!!  
  
HARRY: Oh no! Another one! WE'RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!! AGAIN!!!  
  
DRACO: OH SHIT WE ARE!!!  
  
ARBRON: True to tradition, or what tradition was coming to be, Harry and Draco begin the hysterical crying, now added to by screaming and the occasional swearing.  
  
HERMIONE: I SAY WE GO TO DUMBLEDORE!!!  
  
GEORGE: I'll come!  
  
FRED: Me too!  
  
NEVILLE: And me!  
  
SEAMUS & DEAN: Don't go without me!  
  
ARBRON: They all ran out the door as fast as they could, leaving an annoyed Ginny and Percy to sit, survive and wait out the antics of Harry, Draco, Lavender and Ron. Needless to say, they were pretty pissed off.  
  
PERCY: What's the big idea? I mean, I only came here to deliver a message to Professor Sprout -  
  
GINNY: What did you just say???  
  
PERCY: Um, I have to deliver a message to Professor Sprout?  
  
GINNY: Have you yet???  
  
PERCY: Well, no.  
  
GINNY: Then let's go! It's the perfect excuse to escape all this lunacy!  
  
PERCY: Yeah! Gryffindor Tower hasn't been this bad since, well, since the legendary Marauders were here! And I never met them! They were Professor Snape's age.  
  
ARBRON: So Ginny and Percy made their escape, dashing to find Professor Sprout, deliver the message, and then lurk in the hallways and hide. Unfortunately, this left Harry and Draco pretty much in charge of Lavender, Ron, and the Gryffindor Common Room. That is a very bad thing.  
  
HARRY: (Stops hysterical crying, etc) Are they all gone?  
  
DRACO: (Does same) Yep, except for the loonies.  
  
HARRY: You know, I think I've got it all figured out.  
  
DRACO: Oh? Do tell.  
  
HARRY: Not until I have proof. Or a little more clues leading to my conclusion. I'll tell you just as soon as the others get back from annoying the Headmaster. It's not like he's going to help anyway.  
  
DRACO: What makes you think that?  
  
HARRY: Well, he's just an old fool who's addicted to Muggle sweets. Like Lemon Drops.  
  
DRACO: Oh. Yeah, well, I wonder what old Voldie's up to.  
  
HARRY: Let me see how we can find out. I can either wait until he hatches a dastardly plot to kidnap, torture and kill me and drag you along, or, we could use Floo Powder to get to his Evil Lair.  
  
DRACO: Well, I say we wait for a few hours, and if he still hasn't kidnapped you then we can go visit.  
  
HARRY: You're a genius Draco.  
  
DRACO: Yeah I know. So are you.  
  
ARBRON: Harry and Draco start to laugh evilly and plot terrible evil genius insane things that will be used against Snape in their next Potions class so long as he doesn't faint in the middle of Neville's cauldron.  
  
  
  
  
  
A little shorter than usual, but it'll have to do! PLEASE REVIEW!!!! *Wanders off whistling the Australian National Anthem* 


	4. Dobby's Bad Cooking, Lucius & Wormtail's...

I started this yesterday, but didn't finish. I finished now. See?  
  
chochang913 ~ Wow thanks! You know someone who acts like Ron. that IS scary...  
  
FreakishGuardian ~ THANKS!!! Three reviews??? That's cool! Thank you!  
  
Dark Comet ~ *snigger* oh, I'm guessing you liked the sarcasm bit?  
  
fluffyflapjack ~ Glad you liked the Snape bits. *hands over chocolate* there you go!  
  
Quasy ~ Thanks!  
  
slytherin slut ~ The funniest story you ever read??? I had no idea it was that funny, maybe you haven't read that many?  
  
Kit Petitedra ~ Yes, you must all worship me!! Mwhahaha! Lol, sorry I couldn't help myself. Thanks!  
  
Mr. Fuzzypants ~ heh heh, you can call me Wolfie-chan, go ahead.  
  
Kero-chan ~ I admit, I try my hardest to be strange.  
  
VIKIE ~ It's really that funny? Calm down a bit! :-)  
  
duckchick ~ Nice to see someone liked Lucius Voldie and Pete, they're back this chapter! And I liked your idea for the costumes so much I used it; I hope you don't mind!  
  
DEDICATION: To duckchick, for the brilliant idea about costumes. And to the rest of you reviewers, for reviewing!  
  
DISCLAIMER: I own the plot. Really.  
  
  
  
  
  
Ron, What ARE You Doing?  
  
By Silver Wolf  
  
  
  
  
  
ARBRON: Hermione led Fred, George, Seamus, Dean and Neville up to Dumbledore's office. When they went inside, a terrible sight met their eyes.......  
  
HERMIONE: OH MY GOD!!!  
  
FRED & GEORGE: This is just great, brilliant even! (Get covered in sarcasm)  
  
NEVILLE: Gah! (Faints)  
  
DEAN: This is, well, wrong!  
  
SEAMUS: EEEP!!!!!  
  
ARBRON: Hermione and Dean stared at Seamus. Then they all turned and stared some more at the horrible scene in the Headmaster's office.  
  
HERMIONE: I THINK I'M GOING TO BE SICK!  
  
DEAN: I think I'm gonna go deaf if she keeps screaming....  
  
HERMIONE: I WILL NOT STOP SCREAMING!  
  
GEORGE: This is wrong, very, very wrong.  
  
FRED & SEAMUS: HELP!!!!  
  
DEAN: Gah!  
  
ARBRON: The terrible scene did not go away, and they kept staring at it. They would probably be scarred for life. However, off in Voldie's Lair, things were even worse......  
  
VOLDEMORT: Keep going Lucius, this is very entertaining.  
  
LUCIUS: I really must agree, My Lord.  
  
WORMTAIL: (Is giggling incessantly)  
  
LUCIUS: (Is holding his wand over Wormtail - he's still using the Tickling Charm)  
  
VOLDEMORT: Actually Lucius, I must ask you to remove the Charm from the snivelling little rat, as I have a task for the both of you.  
  
WORMTAIL: (Looks incredibly relieved that the torture is ending)  
  
LUCIUS: (Reluctantly removes charm) What would you like us to do, My Lord?  
  
VOLDEMORT: I would like you to go and try to kidnap Harry Potter and anyone he tries to drag along. I'm bored, so I figure he might play chess or something with me before I kill him.  
  
LUCIUS: An excellent plan, My Lord. (Glares at Wormtail) Get up you piece of filth, we have a Boy-Who-Lived to kidnap!  
  
WORMTAIL: Oh man, I am so screwed, having to work with Lucius....  
  
ARBRON: Lucius and Wormtail headed to Hogwarts, where they were going to kidnap Harry. Wormtail was complaining the whole entire way.  
  
WORMTAIL: Why did I have to come? I just wanted to.... (Annoying mumble)..... Nooo, mean ol' Dark Lord makes me go kidnap the annoying Boy-Who-Just-Wont-Die and -  
  
LUCIUS: Shut up, or I'll lock you in a bathroom with Moaning Myrtle!  
  
WORMTAIL: Eeep! Okay, I'll be good!  
  
ARBRON: Meanwhile, Ginny and Percy had finished delivering the message to Professor Sprout, and had gone down to the kitchens, where Dobby and Winky began to cook them up some food.  
  
DOBBY: Here you are Master Percy; Dobby is using his own special recipe.  
  
PERCY: (Takes bite out of biscuit, chews, nearly chokes)  
  
DOBBY: What is you thinking of Dobby's biscuits, Master Percy?  
  
PERCY: (splutters a bit, then catches his breath) Uh, they're brilliant Dobby. (Leaks sarcasm all over the kitchen)  
  
ARBRON: The house elves all began to clean up, while Percy tried to convince Dobby he wasn't hungry. Eventually, he and Ginny escaped, Ginny with extra (edible) food to share with Percy.  
  
PERCY: I never knew a House Elf could be such a bad cook!  
  
GINNY: Me neither. Say, let's go somewhere else, I don't like standing in the hallway eating.  
  
PERCY: Let's go to the Great Hall.  
  
ARBRON: So Ginny and Percy made their way into the Great Hall, to eat the food that Winky gave them. In Hawaii somewhere, certain people were reclining on banana lounges, soaking up the sun and admiring stares of women of all ages.  
  
SIRIUS: Ahhhhhhhh, peace, quiet and relaxation.  
  
REMUS: A lovely place to be when Hogwarts is going to end. Nowhere could be farther away.  
  
SIRIUS: Uh huh. (Sits up and squints into the distance) Say, is that what I think it is??? (Points)  
  
REMUS: (Follows Sirius's finger with his eyes) Oh my god. You have GOT to be kidding me!  
  
SIRIUS: No way! This is insane!  
  
REMUS: Why would the Dementors be in Hawaii???  
  
SIRIUS: I don't even want to think about it!  
  
ARBRON: Back in the Gryffindor Common Room, Draco and Harry were sitting around waiting to be kidnapped. Ron and Lavender were huddled in a corner, mumbling something about a killer flea called Fido.  
  
DRACO: Okay that's it! Voldie's had a full fifteen minutes to kidnap us, and we're still here!  
  
HARRY: So we give up and go visit?  
  
DRACO: Yep! Hey, aren't we forgetting something?  
  
HARRY: Oh yeah! Our Special Superhero Costumes!!!  
  
DRACO: Quick, let's go change!  
  
ARBRON: So they ran up to the boy's dorms and donned their Special Superhero Costumes, preparing to go and pay a visit to Voldie. At around the same time, just outside the portrait of the Fat Lady.....  
  
FAT LADY: I'm sorry gentlemen, but I can't let you in without the password!  
  
WORMTAIL: But we have to get in! The Dark Lord sent us to kidnap, er, I forgot. Lucius?  
  
LUCIUS: (Sighs impatiently, turns to the Fat Lady who is looking bored) We were sent here by the great Lord Voldemort to kidnap Harry Potter and whoever he tries to drag along with him.  
  
FAT LADY: Oh! Well that's entirely different, go on in boys! (Swings forward)  
  
LUCIUS: Thank you.  
  
ARBRON: He and Wormtail step inside and look around as Harry and Draco come down stairs. Harry is wearing leather pants, red sleeveless shirt, and a silver cape with a red snake on it. Draco is wearing leather pants, green sleeveless shirt and a black cape with a green dragon on it.  
  
LUCIUS: Hello Harry, Draco.  
  
DRACO: Hello Father.  
  
HARRY: Hello Mr Malfoy. I suppose you've come to kidnap us?  
  
LUCIUS: Yes, and I suppose Draco is coming as well?  
  
DRACO: Yes I am. Shall we leave then?  
  
HARRY: We shall.  
  
WORMTAIL: Hang on, what's with those two? (Points to Ron and Lavender)  
  
LAVENDER: Death to Fido!!!  
  
RON: The flea will die!!!  
  
WORMTAIL: Oh not again! Have they seen anyone for this???  
  
HARRY: We called Padfoot and Moony, but they weren't helpful and then they left without telling us what was going on.  
  
DRACO: (Hopeful) Do either of you know?  
  
LUCIUS: (Shakes head) Sorry boys.  
  
WORMTAIL: I never really found out what was going on last time it happened to someone.  
  
HARRY: Too bad. Are you two going to kidnap us now?  
  
LUCIUS: Yep. Come on; let's go see Voldie.  
  
  
  
  
  
Hello! Wasn't that fun??? Now review!!! Or I'll get Lucius to torture you too........ 


	5. Colin Creepy, Moony and Padfoot DeDement...

Ack. I know, it took ages for me to get this chapter out. But on the bright side, I'm going to try and update it more regularly. I love writing it!  
  
Anyway, I'd like to thank the following people for reviewing!  
  
~ Crimson Flame  
  
~ EclipseKlutz  
  
~ giggy gal  
  
~ Naomi SilverWolf  
  
~ KrystaLuck  
  
~ Andrea  
  
~ ShellyMoon  
  
~ chochang913  
  
~ riyna*riddle  
  
~ Freakish Guardian  
  
~ Katani Petitedra  
  
~ wingnut  
  
~ LoonyLoopyLisa  
  
~ Myuu/Kyuu  
  
~ Kiori  
  
~ Raine  
  
~ Jess  
  
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Ron, What ARE You Doing?  
  
By Silver Wolf  
  
Chapter Five  
  
ARBRON: Hermione, Fred, George, Seamus, Dean and Neville (who had woken up after fainting) finally came to their senses and stepped away from the doorway to Dumbledore's office. They headed in the direction of the DADA teacher's office, hoping to find SOMEONE there.  
  
FRED: Whoa. That was way to freaky, man.  
  
GEORGE: Yeah, I know. Who knew?  
  
SEAMUS: It was damn scary!  
  
NEVILLE: (twitches) McGonagall. (Twitches) Dumbledore. (Twitches) TWISTER!!! (Twitches violently, falls to ground still twitching madly, unconscious)  
  
HERMIONE: I CANT BELIEVE THAT MCGONAGALL AND DUMBLEDORE WERE PLAYING TWISTER WITH FAWKES AND MRS NORRIS!!!  
  
DEAN: (winces) Quit it with the screaming, 'Mione.  
  
SEAMUS: What's Quidditch got to do with Hermione screaming?  
  
DEAN: We don't talk about it.  
  
SEAMUS: Riiight.  
  
ARBRON: So they picked the twitching Neville up and continued on to the DADA office, hoping they wouldn't find any PREVIOUS or FUTURE teachers. They wanted someone they could TRUST.  
  
Ginny and Percy were still eating in the Great Hall.  
  
Ron and Lavender were planning ways to kill Fido the Evil Flea of DOOOOOM - as they were referring to him, if he even existed.  
  
Sirius and Remus were doing something about Hawaii's Dementor problem, one would assume. Or hope.  
  
Meanwhile, Harry and Draco, still in their Special Superhero Costumes, were following Wormtail and Lucius to Voldie's Lair. But because they were too young to Apparate, Wormtail was allergic to PortKeys, and Voldemort wasn't hooked up to the Floo network, they had to walk. Only because Avery had crashed Lucius's car, of course.  
  
WORMTAIL: But I don't wanna walk....  
  
DRACO: (twitches)  
  
HARRY & LUCIUS: (Send Wormtail an Evil Glare of Death)  
  
WORMTAIL: (Too dumb to take a hint) Why do I have to be here? I don't like it. I don't like Harry, or Draco, and I especially don't like Lucius!  
  
LUCIUS & DRACO: (Growl impatiently)  
  
HARRY: (Looses patience) Dammit rat, shut the hell up!!!  
  
WORMTAIL: You're so meeeeaaaan...  
  
HARRY: (Mutters spell under breath)  
  
WORMTAIL: (Turns into a bowl of mashed potatoes)  
  
HARRY: Drat. I was trying for peas and carrots...  
  
DRACO & LUCIUS: (Laugh hysterically)  
  
LUCIUS: Voldemort is going to LOVE this story when we tell him! He'll probably keep you alive for AGES if you keep doing really cool and evil stuff like this!  
  
HARRY: You really think so?  
  
LUCIUS: Sure! Oh, Harry? Are you any good at chess?  
  
HARRY: Not really.  
  
LUCIUS: Hm. Maybe, considering Voldemort's skills, that's actually a good thing.  
  
DRACO: Voldemort wants to play CHESS with HARRY??? What happened to the whole 'killing him' thing?  
  
LUCIUS: Voldie's Lair is very boring these days. Even torturing Wormtail with the Tickling Charm is no fun any more.  
  
HARRY: Speaking of which, do you have a plastic bag? Or an airtight container?  
  
LUCIUS: (Digs in pockets) Don't tell anyone about this. (Pulls out an airtight container)  
  
DRACO: Do I even want to know?  
  
LUCIUS: No.  
  
HARRY: (Finishes putting Wormy the Mashed Potato into airtight container, hands it back to Lucius) Here, you take him. I don't have any pockets, and neither does Draco.  
  
LUCIUS: Yeah, about that. What's up with the outfits?  
  
DRACO: They're our Special Superhero Costumes, of course!  
  
LUCIUS: You do things like this on a regular basis?  
  
HARRY: Sorta. We're the only ACTUAL Superheros in Hogwarts. The rest are all wannabes like Colin Creevey.  
  
DRACO: You mean Colin Creepy. Man, he freaks me out!  
  
HARRY: (Shudders) You have no idea....  
  
**Flashback**  
  
COLIN: Harry, can I take a picture of your hand?  
  
HARRY: No. Freak.  
  
COLIN: Can I take a picture of your finger, then?  
  
HARRY: No. Now leave.  
  
COLIN: What about your foot? Toe? Toenail? A single hair from your head?  
  
HARRY: NO! Shut up Colin; go away, no one likes you.  
  
COLIN: Aw, but -  
  
HARRY: I'll scream.  
  
COLIN: Now really -  
  
HARRY: (Screams) RAPE!!!  
  
HERMIONE & RON: Harry???  
  
NEVILLE: What's going on?  
  
GINNY: Colin! Get away from Harry! Go on, shoo! Scat!  
  
COLIN: (Leaves, glaring at them all)  
  
**End Flashback**  
  
ARBRON: So they continued on to Voldie's Lair. Back in Hawaii....  
  
SIRIUS: Hm. That was fun.  
  
REMUS: (Laughing hysterically)  
  
SIRIUS: Er, Moony?  
  
REMUS: (Laughter turns Evil)  
  
SIRIUS: Uh oh. What are you planning?  
  
REMUS: I can't believe that the Dementors are scared of fluffy kittens and puppies!!!  
  
SIRIUS: (Beginning to grin) I think I see some blackmail material in that sentence, my dear Moony.  
  
REMUS: Why yes Padfoot, I daresay that IS what I had planned.  
  
SIRIUS: That was a brilliant move though, locking them in a room with a Boggart.  
  
REMUS: I know. I thought of it, remember?  
  
SIRIUS: Yep. Now, let's get back to the beach.  
  
REMUS: All right then. And later, we can infest Azkaban with fluffy animals.  
  
SIRIUS: I think we have a plan, my friend.  
  
ARBRON: And yes, the two of them went back to their sunbaking, oblivious to the world around them, and the problems at Hogwarts - and beyond.  
  
And back in the Great Hall....  
  
GINNY: Perce, we need something to do.  
  
PERCY: I know. But what CAN we do?  
  
GINNY: I don't know. Maybe we should go and find Sirius and Remus again, and ask for help.  
  
PERCY: Nah, I don't think they'd be any help. What if we went and searched the library?  
  
GINNY: I don't think we'd find anything.  
  
ARBRON: They fell silent until two COMPLETELY unexpected people stepped into the Great Hall.  
  
GINNY & PERCY: RON??? LAVENDER???  
  
RON: Ooooh, shiiiny flower. Is it a rose or a lily or a petunia?  
  
LAVENDER: More important, will it kill Fido the Evil Flea of DOOOOOM?  
  
GINNY & PERCY: (Slowly backing away towards the door)  
  
RON: With any luck. Or we'll have to kill Fido the Evil Flea of DOOOOOM with the mop after all.  
  
LAVENDER: No! Not ... The Mop!!!  
  
RON: No, just the mop.  
  
LAVENDER: All right, that's okay then.  
  
ARBRON: Ginny and Percy raced out of the Great Hall, and straight to the Common Room. They thought that Harry and Draco would be there, but it was not to be.  
  
GINNY: Aw man, where are the Superheroes when you need 'em?  
  
PERCY: Not here, that's to be sure.  
  
GINNY: Hey, look over there. Is that a note?  
  
PERCY: (Picks it up and reads it aloud to Ginny) Dear Whoever Picks This Up And Is Looking For Us, We have been kidnapped by Lucius and Wormtail to entertain Voldie. We'll be back soon, either dead or alive. Love Harry and Draco.  
  
GINNY: (Takes note) Hey, there's a PS. Don't worry, we are wearing our Special Superhero Costumes.  
  
PERCY: Oh. That explains the empty Common Room then.  
  
GINNY: Yeah. Well, at least we have the place to ourselves now.  
  
PERCY: (Darkly) Best enjoy it while we still can.  
  
ARBRON: So Ginny and Percy relaxed in the Common Room.  
  
Hermione, Fred, George, Dean, Seamus, and the again recently revived Neville were outside the DADA professor's office, gathering their courage.  
  
HERMIONE: (Goes to knock on the door)  
  
SNAPE: Hold it! Just WHAT do you brats think you're doing?  
  
FRED: (Places hand over Hermione's mouth to stop her screaming - er, speaking)  
  
GEORGE: We need help. And we can't ask Dumbledore or McGonagall.  
  
SEAMUS: And we couldn't ask you, for two reasons.  
  
DEAN: One, we thought you were still unconscious somewhere.  
  
NEVILLE: And two, we don't like you. Now go away.  
  
SNAPE: Do you realise how DANGEROUS it is to open that damned door? You don't know WHO could come popping out!  
  
HERMIONE: (Shoves Fred away, having calmed down a bit, and smirks) Well then Professor Snape, you'll have to stay here and protect us, wont you?  
  
SNAPE: No bloody way! I'm getting outta here! You kids are as mad as the Headmaster! (Turns to go)  
  
NEVILLE: Chickening out, Snape? When even I'M going to stay?  
  
SNAPE: Being that I don't have a death wish, Longbottom, I think I'll be heading back to my rooms before someone opens that door. (Leaves)  
  
DEAN: Hey, he didn't faint!  
  
ARBRON: A loud crash is heard down the hall, where Snape had fainted and knocked down a suit of armour.  
  
HERMIONE: (Takes deep breath) Brace yourselves. (Opens door)  
  
SEAMUS & DEAN: Oh no, not you!!!  
  
FRED & GEORGE: Not. Good.  
  
NEVILLE: (Twitches) Damn this subject!!!  
  
SNAPE: (From up hallway) I have a BAAAAD feeling about this....  
  
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So, who do you think was in the DADA professor's office? Go on, don't be shy, tell me who you think it is!  
  
Please review!  
  
~SW 


	6. He's A Hufflepuff, Not A Hippogriff! Mas...

I know, took ages, AGAIN! Part of that we may blame on Jan (the computer) for dying for two weeks, and also my teachers for taking us on City Orientation for four days.  
  
We can also blame it on the author. I AM SO SORRY!  
  
And guys who reviewed? Thank you so very much! I really appreciate it, and, well, just thanks.  
  
~Mistress Chaos1  
  
~GryffindorsPastletonge  
  
~I Am A Sly Slytherin  
  
~bella trix  
  
~Conrad Brown  
  
~Ocean Goddess of Mirkwood  
  
Again, I thank you.  
  
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Ron, What ARE You Doing?  
  
By SilverWolf7007  
  
Chapter Six  
  
ARBRON: Hermione, Fred, George, Seamus, Dean and Neville stared in shock, horror, and a large helping of disgust at the two people standing in the DADA professor's office.  
  
HERMIONE: I don't believe it. I thought that this would be a GOOD idea!  
  
FRED: I knew we shouldn't have done this.  
  
ARBRON: Snape, who was far too curious for his own good, stepped out of the corridor he had gone down and lay eyes on the man and woman about to exit.  
  
SNAPE: Slam the bloody door in their bloody faces!  
  
NEVILLE: (Tries to do so, is stopped before he can) Dammit!  
  
ARBRON: And so, despite Neville's best efforts, they got free.  
  
SEAMUS: Screw this. Gilderoy Lockhart and Rita Skeeter? I think we should just leave the school.  
  
RITA: Aw, but we want to help!  
  
LOCKHART: Yes! Tell me the problem; I can solve anything - because I'm Gilderoy Lockhart!  
  
RITA: (Dreamily) What a hero....  
  
HERMIONE: (Whispers to Fred, George, Seamus, Dean, Neville and Snape) Run!  
  
ARBRON: So they ran as fast as they could down the hall towards the dungeons, leaving behind a bewildered Rita and Lockhart. Sadly, their mad dash to safety allowed the other two free reign over the castle - and who knows what trouble they could cause.  
  
Meanwhile, in the Ravenclaw Common Room...  
  
CHO: My GOD I am so bored! Nothing EVER happens at Hogwarts. I wish Cedric was alive...  
  
ARBRON: Suddenly there was a bright flash of yellow light, and a whole heap of black and yellow glitter coated the Ravenclaw Common Room.  
  
CEDRIC: (Having just appeared) Hiya! Never say wishes don't come true!  
  
CHO: (Screams)  
  
CEDRIC: (Pouts) Am I really that scary? I'm a Hufflepuff, people, not a Hippogriff!  
  
CHO: Cedric! You're ALIVE!!!  
  
CEDRIC: Old news sweetheart. Now, I've simply GOT to find Harry. I have info that he needs.  
  
CHO: No! Don't leave me!  
  
CEDRIC: (Grins) Oh don't worry, you can come with me!  
  
CHO: Yay!  
  
ARBRON: And so Cho and Cedric began the trek to the Gryffindor Common Room.  
  
However, back in the Great Hall Lavender and Ron were hiding under the Staff Table, due to the belief that Fido the Evil Flea of DOOOOOM was dancing on the enchanted ceiling. Unfortunately no one was there to tell them that it was only a fly trying to get outside.  
  
Due to the long walk to Voldemort's Evil Lair, Harry, Lucius and Draco were still walking.  
  
DRACO: How much further is it, Father?  
  
LUCIUS: I don't really know. Damn, I DO wish that Avery hadn't crashed my car. It doesn't take anywhere near as long when driving!  
  
HARRY: Well, we weren't using a PortKey because Wormtail's allergic, right?  
  
LUCIUS: Yeah, so?  
  
HARRY: Wormtail is a bowl of mashed potatoes. I don't think he really matters anymore.  
  
DRACO: Harry's right, let's make a PortKey.  
  
LUCIUS: No need, I brought one with me in case of an emergency. I'd have left Wormtail behind, of course.  
  
HARRY & DRACO: Of course.  
  
LUCIUS: C'mon, let's use this thing and get you two to Voldie. Maybe he'll even let you join him, if you want.  
  
HARRY: Maybe. Depends on his terms. I am NOT getting that freaky looking tattoo.  
  
DRACO: Me neither. You may like it, Father, but I don't!  
  
HARRY: Hah! Boy has taste.  
  
LUCIUS: (Rolls eyes) Let's go already!  
  
ARBRON: And so Lucius pulled his airtight container out and tapped it twice with his wand.  
  
LUCIUS: It'll take us in a minute or so.  
  
DRACO: (Peers inside at Wormtail) That explains the container. Huh, the little veggie boy is staring at me.  
  
HARRY: (Looks in too) Hey, I didn't realise I gave him eyes!  
  
LUCIUS: Looks kinda, well, gross. Mashed potato that can see.  
  
DRACO & HARRY: Ew.  
  
LUCIUS: I'll say.  
  
ARBRON: Before they could continue to talk about the revoltingness of Wormtail (either as mashed potato or in his normal state) the PortKey activated, taking them to the main room of Voldie's Lair.  
  
VOLDEMORT: Finally! What took you so long, Lucius? How hard can it be to kidnap Harry Potter? Wait...what did you do with Wormtail? And why is your son here?  
  
HARRY: (Sighs) We took so long because we had to WALK until I, er, temporarily disposed of Wormtail, it's not hard at all to kidnap me, as I said I got rid of Wormy, and Draco's here because I dragged him along.  
  
VOLDEMORT: Oh. May I ask, Harry, what is it that you did to my most pathetic minion?  
  
LUCIUS: (Hands Harry the airtight container)  
  
HARRY: (Holds it out to Voldemort) I turned him into mashed potato that has eyes. I didn't mean for him to have eyes.  
  
VOLDEMORT: (Stares at Wormtail) Sheer brilliance, Harry. I'm beginning to like you now.....  
  
ARBRON: There was silence. At least, there was until Wormtail blinked.  
  
VOLDEMORT: (Laughs hysterically)  
  
LUCIUS: (Grins)  
  
DRACO: So, what are we going to do now?  
  
ARBRON: Cedric and Cho reached the Gryffindor Common Room and knocked on the portrait frame. Unlike Draco, they didn't have the password. Ginny opened it.  
  
GINNY: Cho? What is it - hang on, I think I might be seeing things. Let me get Percy. PERCE!  
  
PERCY: (Appears behind the stunned Ginny) What is it, Gin?  
  
GINNY: Do you see a supposedly dead blond ex-Hufflepuff standing just behind Cho Chang?  
  
PERCY: Sure do. Hey Cedric.  
  
CEDRIC: Hey Percy. Is Harry here? I kinda need to talk to him.  
  
PERCY: No, he and Draco have been kidnapped by Voldemort. Was it something important?  
  
CEDRIC: Nothing that I cant tell you, really. I've been sent to tell you what's making Ron and Lavender so crazy.  
  
CHO: Ron and Lavender are crazy?  
  
GINNY: It's a long story. Let's go inside so that I can tell it to you.  
  
CHO: Okay.  
  
ARBRON: So Cho, Ginny, Cedric and Percy entered the Gryffindor Common Room to have a very important discussion.  
  
Meanwhile, back in Hawaii.....  
  
REMUS: Do you think they've caught onto the fact that we don't know what's going on?  
  
SIRIUS: I hope so, I don't want to be dragged back there again. Ron was SCARY.  
  
REMUS: I still have nightmares from when it happened to James and Peter.  
  
SIRIUS: (Shudders) Me too. I still don't know what happened then either. Or who fixed it.  
  
REMUS: No, neither do I. All I know is that one minute they were crazy, the next they'd calmed down and were totally humiliated by the experience.  
  
SIRIUS: Hm. I don't really know if we COULD do anything about this, even if we wanted to. Maybe it just goes away by itself.  
  
REMUS: But then why such a different pair of people? James and Peter got in trouble for that prank, and then went weird, so maybe it was a punishment. But Ron and Lavender? According to Snape, Ron came back from his meeting with Dumbledore about his Potions grades and he went right off. And Lavender, also according to Snape, went weird after Hermione led the group to Dumbledore and back trying to find a cure.  
  
SIRIUS: You think there HAS to be a connection?  
  
REMUS: (Shrugs) Not really, but it'd be nice and neat, wouldn't it?  
  
SIRIUS: Yeah. Hey! James and Peter were in trouble with DUMBLEDORE!  
  
REMUS: Er, yeah? So?  
  
SIRIUS: So it's something about him! His office?  
  
REMUS: Nah, because the others were there too. But I agree, Dumbledore IS at the bottom of this.  
  
SIRIUS: Are we going to tell Harry about this?  
  
REMUS: Not yet. My sources tell me that he and Draco were kidnapped by Lucius and Wormtail not long ago. We'll wait until later. Or at least until we figure out EXACTLY how Dumbledore's doing this.  
  
SIRIUS: Agreed.  
  
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So, what did you think? Up to par with the rest of the story?  
  
Please review!  
  
~SW 


	7. Hot Chocolate With Snape, Lucius Loves C...

I don't think there is anything to excuse my lateness in updating, and so I wont try.  
  
icekestrel ~ He he, thanks. And I stole Arbron from the Animorph books.  
  
Sara Dawson ~ Wow, um, thanks! Really, I mean it, thanks! You really like Ron and Lavender's insane-ness? Well, Fido is actually named after a dog's pet flea in a children's Christmas cartoon I saw all the way back in 2002, but he could be named after FFN's Dido too. And one more time, Thanks!!!  
  
Selphie ~ Aw, thanks! And I was hit by a bit of writers block, but it's going away. Slowly.  
  
Meiko ~ Thanks! Email going out....now!  
  
Katani Petitedra ~ S'okay that you didn't review! Glad you liked the chapter!  
  
LoonyLoopyLisa ~ Hey, thank you! And don't worry, I'll email!  
  
annamorphs ~ Glad you like it!  
  
Clairchen ~ Sorry for taking so long that you lost track, hope it doesn't happen again! As for the riddle, you are of course the former 'bella trix'! (And no, figuring that out had nothing to do with why I've been so slack, so no worries)  
  
Naomi SilverWolf ~ From the laugh, I shall take a wild guess and believe that you found it funny. And for that, I thank you.  
  
Lita of Jupiter ~ I swear I nearly passed out when I read your review! Shhhhhh! I am SO not telling what Dumbledore's been giving the students! Glad you like it!  
  
Do enjoy the chapter, wont you?  
  
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Ron, What ARE You Doing?  
  
By SilverWolf7007  
  
Chapter Seven  
  
ARBRON: Having run to the dungeons with them, Snape really had no choice but to let Hermione, Fred, George, Seamus, Dean and Neville to his private quarters. After all, he couldn't exactly leave them susceptible to the presence of Lockhart and Skeeter. And so, they ended up in front of a portrait of a pink kitten.  
  
SNAPE: James Potter is god.  
  
EVERYONE ELSE: (Not realising that it's the password) (Stares) Huh?!?  
  
SNAPE: (Rolls eyes) Dumbledore, damn him, picked both the portrait and the PASSWORD to my quarters.  
  
EVERYONE ELSE: Oooohhhhhh.  
  
ARBRON: Snape's quarters were exactly as any of them would have guessed if they had ever spent any time speculating about how the Potions Master would live - green, silver, black and dark.  
  
HERMIONE: Gosh, this is gloomy.  
  
SEAMUS: Yeah. And I can't see properly.  
  
ARBRON: To demonstrate this, he 'accidentally' ran into Dean, who smacked him around the back of the head.  
  
DEAN: Prat.  
  
SEAMUS: Ow.  
  
SNAPE: (Sighs wearily) Sit down; I'll send for something from the kitchens.  
  
FRED: (Hopefully) Hot chocolate?  
  
SNAPE: Sure.  
  
ARBRON: And that was how a bunch of Gryffindor fifth and seventh years ended up drinking hot chocolate with the head of Slytherin house. Meanwhile, off in the North Tower........  
  
RITA: Oh, I know it's this way, somehow!  
  
LOCKHART: How do you know that Trelawny will help us anyway?  
  
RITA: Because she hates that Potter brat as much as we do!  
  
LOCKHART: (Is thrilled) Really?  
  
RITA: Oh yes. She's spent the past two years predicting his death over and over again!  
  
LOCKHART: You truly are a treasure, Rita. And nearly as pretty as me!  
  
RITA: (Blushes) You really think so Gilderoy?  
  
LOCKHART: Of course I do.  
  
ARBRON: And we'll stop that scene RIGHT there, in case of poor readers becoming traumatized by what soon dissolved into a sickening display of terminal cuteness (involving small pink hearts appearing).  
  
Ahem. Anyway, after the disappearance of the fly they had been mistaking for Fido the Evil Flea of DOOOOOM (Thanks to a slow-working fly poison Filch had used the day before), Ron and Lavender had decided to go on the offensive.  
  
RON: We can't let it scare us like this anymore!  
  
LAVENDER: Yeah! We've got bug spray, and flea powder too!  
  
RON: It-That-Shall-Be-Reviled wont rule our lives!  
  
LAVENDER: (Suddenly scared) Eeep! Er, Ron?  
  
RON: (Ignores her in favour of his own speech) We must reclaim our freedom -  
  
LAVENDER: (Even more panicked) Ron?!  
  
RON: - from it, and.......(Annoyed) What, Lavender?!?!  
  
LAVENDER: (Meekly) It's behind you.  
  
RON: (Spins around) AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
LAVENDER: AAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
RON & LAVENDER: AAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!  
  
ARBRON: They ran, ending up in a broom cupboard that was conveniently filled with fly spray and flea powder.  
  
RON & LAVENDER: (Sigh in relief)  
  
ARBRON: Back in Voldie's Evil Lair, Draco had asked the question, "So, what are we going to do now?" Voldemort, Harry, Lucius and Draco himself were now trying to figure this out.  
  
LUCIUS: (Getting more and more eager as he goes) What about chess? I could play Draco, and Voldemort could play Harry, and then the winners and losers face off against each other, and then the winners of those matches could play to find the chess champion!  
  
HARRY: (Dryly) Or not. I don't do chess.  
  
DRACO: Then what?  
  
VOLDEMORT: We could play Simon Says? Nagini could be Simon.  
  
DRACO: But only you and Harry can understand her.  
  
LUCIUS: We could transfigure Wormtail back and traumatise him?  
  
HARRY: Hmmmmmm.........That could work.  
  
VOLDEMORT: You'd have to change him back, Harry, because only you know the spell.  
  
HARRY: Okay. (Opens container and waves wand. Nothing happens except Wormtail rolling his mashed eyes) Huh. (Sees eyes) That is disturbing. I think I'M going to end up traumatised if we keep going like this!  
  
VOLDEMORT: Can you change him back?  
  
HARRY: Nope.  
  
VOLDEMORT: Well, there's that idea down the drain.  
  
ALL: (Think in silence for five minutes)  
  
VOLDEMORT: Hey Harry, Draco, d'you two want to become Death Eaters?  
  
DRACO: Can I miss out on the tattoo?  
  
HARRY: Can I be your partner and the second evil Dark Lord instead?  
  
VOLDEMORT: Yes and yes.  
  
HARRY & DRACO: Cool!  
  
LUCIUS: Uh, do I have to call Harry 'My Lord' now?  
  
HARRY: Of course not! You and Draco are the special privileged Death Eaters.  
  
DRACO: And I don't have to have the butt-ugly tattoo!  
  
VOLDEMORT: Heh heh heh, the Death Eaters don't know it, but it's made to look that way to annoy them.  
  
HARRY: (Admiring) You are EVIL.  
  
VOLDEMORT: I know. It's why we'll work so well together, Harry. Because you're pretty evil yourself.  
  
HARRY: Aw, thanks.  
  
ARBRON: And while Harry was turning to the Dark Side, Ginny and Percy (with help from Cedric) had been telling Cho what had been going on.  
  
CEDRIC: And the reason that Ron and Lavender have gone insane is *BEEEEEEEEEEEP*  
  
CHO, GINNY & PERCY: Huh???  
  
CEDRIC: Damn! I don't seem to be able to tell you!  
  
CHO: I guess if you were sent here to tell Harry, he's the only one you can tell.  
  
CEDRIC: I suppose so.  
  
PERCY: Well, while we're waiting for Harry to come back so you can tell him, d'you want to help me play a prank and vandalise the castle?  
  
CEDRIC: I'd love to! Girls?  
  
GINNY: Sorry, but I'll pass.  
  
CHO: Same here. I'd rather not get myself expelled.  
  
PERCY & CEDRIC: Fair enough. (They leave)  
  
GINNY: Doesn't pose a problem for them, does it?  
  
CHO: No. What with Percy having left and Cedric being dead.  
  
GINNY: What do you think they're doing?  
  
CHO: I don't even want to think about it.  
  
ARBRON: In Hawaii, Remus and Sirius were working very hard to figure out what Dumbledore was doing.  
  
REMUS: (Yawns) I never thought I'd say it, but laying on a beach in Hawaii is beginning to get boring.  
  
SIRIUS: You're right, y'know. We ought to go somewhere else.  
  
REMUS: Like where?  
  
SIRIUS: (Grins evilly) We-ell........  
  
ARBRON: And back in Harry & Voldemort's Evil Domain (renamed by Harry, in case you were wondering), Voldemort wasn't looking like his snake-faced self anymore. In fact, he spookily resembled his sixteen-year-old self instead. This was probably because Harry (sick of Voldie's previous appearance) had slipped a de-aging potion into his coke.  
  
VOLDEMORT: We could always infiltrate Hogwarts for something to do.  
  
HARRY: Actually, that's a good idea, Voldie.  
  
VOLDEMORT: (Twitches) Stop calling me that!!!  
  
HARRY: But Voldemort is so long......  
  
VOLDEMORT: Well you're not calling me Voldie!  
  
HARRY: What about Marvolo?  
  
VOLDEMORT: No.  
  
HARRY: Marv?  
  
VOLDEMORT: No!  
  
HARRY: Tom?  
  
VOLDEMORT: N - oh all right.  
  
HARRY: Yay!  
  
LUCIUS: So, we're going to Hogwarts?  
  
HARRY & VOLDEMORT: Yep!  
  
DRACO: And let's take Wormtail, too.  
  
HARRY, LUCIUS & VOLDEMORT: (Stare in shock at the apparently insane Draco)  
  
DRACO: (Rolls eyes impatiently) For amusement! And also to gross out squeamish Gryffindor lunatics.....  
  
HARRY: *cough*RonandLavender*cough*  
  
AVERY: (Having been standing in the corner since wandering in at Lucius's chess speech) Are you all right, My Lord? Do you want a lozenge?  
  
HARRY: Uh, no thanks Avery.  
  
VOLDEMORT: Maybe while we're there we can figure out WHY your friends have gone insane.  
  
HARRY: Yeah.......Can we take Avery to carry things and be a general all- around slave boy?  
  
VOLDEMORT: All right. Let's go then!  
  
HARRY: (Snickers) Avery? Heel.  
  
AVERY: (Moves to stand near Harry) Yes, My Lord.  
  
HARRY: (Smirks evilly) Good dog.  
  
AVERY: (Dryly) Woof.  
  
DRACO: (Is a hysterically laughing pile on the floor)  
  
LUCIUS: (Is in the same condition as his son)  
  
VOLDEMORT: (Laughs) I knew I'd like you more if you were my fellow Dark Lord.  
  
HARRY: I never knew being evil could be so fun!  
  
ARBRON: So once Lucius and Draco peeled themselves off the floor, they joined their Lords, Avery and Wormtail (in his airtight container of course) on a journey that would probably only take them ten minutes - because they'd be able to PortKey in and walk to wherever they decided to go.  
  
Back in Hawaii........  
  
REMUS: C'mon Sirius, spill! What's the plan?  
  
SIRIUS: Well at first I was thinking Azkaban, to terrorise the Dementors, but we can do that any old day. Why don't we go back to Hogwarts and see how everyone is fairing?  
  
REMUS: (Grinning in delight) You mean go back to Hogwarts, hide from everyone and prank Snape?  
  
SIRIUS: (Pleased that Remus understands just how his mind works) Exactly!  
  
REMUS: Then let's go!  
  
@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@@  
  
To be continued......(As if you couldn't guess).  
  
So, until next time!  
  
Please review!  
  
~SW 


End file.
